"I Don't Have to Be Exceptional All the Time"

The term Black Excellence gets used a lot within the Black community. You've written about feeling pressure to be exceptional as a Black, queer, working-class artist. How do you manage that pressure and the expectations you place on yourself?

I'm learning that I don't have to be exceptional all the time. Sometimes, it's enough to try something, get it wrong and learn from it.

I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. I still have my relapses. However, I embrace failure and cringing. It's not worth the headache of beating myself up because something didn't turn out the way I hoped it would. Of course, it's valid to feel disappointed when things don't go to plan. But maybe that plan wasn't meant to be, and that's okay. I've found that whenever something hasn't worked out, something else has come into place that has been much better for me and helped me grow as a person and an artist.

Things don't always go the way we plan, and when you're already struggling with your mental health, setbacks can feel particularly difficult. How do you look after yourself when rejection starts to feel personal?

Rejections still hurt, of course, especially when it's an opportunity you really wanted. But I've become quite numb to rejection over the years.

I've been doing MMA for five years and have an orange belt in kickboxing. Training gives me somewhere to release what I'm feeling.

I also practise positive affirmations, engage in mirror magic, meditate and venerate my ancestors. I remind myself that I'm amazing, I'm beautiful and I'm an inspiration. These practices help me ground myself and remember who I am.

Being an artist can involve being quite vulnerable very publicly. When your work draws on your identity and personal experiences, how do you decide what to share and what to keep for yourself?

It depends on what the work is exploring. I try to make my work as focused as possible and only include what's necessary. I think because I'm open about things that some people wouldn't typically share, they assume I'm open about everything. That's not the case. I'm intentional about what I share. I ask myself what's necessary for the work, what's entertaining and what's challenging. Just because I'm willing to share some things doesn't mean I owe everyone access to every part of my life. It's funny because I'm quite open about certain things in my work and online. I think people assume they know me really well, yet there's so much they don't know. Sometimes, when they discover something new about me, they're mystified. I'm like, 'Yeah, I didn't tell you because it wasn't something you needed to know.

Not all grounding techniques are traditional or conventional. What small things help you feel grounded when creating or putting yourself out there feels overwhelming?

Honestly? Money. Money makes me feel grounded, for sure.

But my artistic practice keeps me going even when money isn't necessarily flourishing. Being able to get lost in an idea or a project is one of the things that sustains me. I also think everyone should have a TV show, a film, an album or something else they return to when they need to switch off and get lost in another world. For me, those things can be just as important to my mental health as the work itself. Sometimes you need something that lifts you spiritually, reminds you of what you love and gives you a break from the pressures of everyday life. Not everything has to be productive. Sometimes, you just need to enjoy something that makes you feel good.

Community is constantly sought after. What has helped you find people in spaces where you feel supported as both a Black person and a queer creative?

Putting myself out there has allowed me to meet and connect with different people over the years. At the same time, I'm a bit of a hermit, particularly during autumn and winter, because I cannot deal with the cold! Unfortunately, spaces come and go. But I've developed friendships over the years, and I have people in different parts of the country and the world whom I can turn to, and who can turn to me. That's a privilege, and it's something that has come with being an artist and having opportunities to work internationally.

It's nice to be reminded that someone is only a phone call, voice note, text message or Zoom meeting away. Community doesn't always mean being in the same room or constantly being around people. Sometimes, knowing that people are there for you, even from a distance, makes all the difference.

Some Black LGBTQIA+ people experience challenges finding acceptance within their families, faith communities or wider communities. For someone who cannot express their queerness as openly as they would like, what quieter ways of celebrating their identity could help them feel validated?

I don't think queerness needs to be loud, just as Blackness doesn't need to be loud. I see both as limitless, and everyone has their own interpretation of what queerness is and what it could be. To me, queerness is about pushing against heteronormativity and what's considered the norm. I don't believe there's a right or wrong way to explore it. I think each person needs to figure out what their queerness looks like for themselves. Nobody that is not them should have a say in that. You don't have to make a public declaration, dress a certain way or be visibly queer to validate your identity. Your queerness is yours, and how you choose to express it is valid. But I think the important thing is believing that for yourself, even when the world around you doesn't affirm it.

Conversations like this don't stop being important once Black History Month ends. As Jamal mentioned in the final answer, your queerness is yours, and how you choose to express it is valid. Throughout this conversation, Jamal brilliantly highlights the importance of self-acceptance, community and defining yourself on your own terms. In a world that can place expectations on who we should be, it can be easy to forget that you do not always have to be exceptional. Existing is enough. Be kind to yourself. Take time to sit with who you are, and navigate that journey in whatever way feels most comfortable for the version of yourself you are today. There is no right or wrong way to be Black, queer or creative. The only person who gets to define that is you.

Take up space and be unapologetically Black.

About this interview

This interview was written by a Black member of the Yorkshire MESMAC team as part of our Black History Month content series. The questions and themes explored were informed by lived experience and intended to centre the voices, perspectives and experiences of people from Yorkshire's Black communities.

Find out more about Jamal Gerald

Website: www.jamalgerald.co.uk
Instagram: @jamiboii