What is Grooming?

This is when someone who wants to use and sexually exploit you, is nice to you and makes you think they are a safe person to be around.

They can do this by pretending to be your friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, or act like a Mum, Dad, Uncle, Auntie, Brother, Sister or other family member. 

They can start buying/giving you things and doing you favours. 

Someone who grooms you is doing this because:
- they want to benefit from you doing something sexual, e.g. make money.
- they want to have sex with you
- they want to see sexual images of you

Important Points to Remember About Grooming

Someone who wants to sexually exploit you won't come up to you and tell you this. They know you will tell them to get lost if they were so obvious. This is why they take time to make you or family trust them; this is known as 'grooming'.

A person can be groomed online and in the real world.

It can take anything from one hour to six months to groom someone.

People who groom and sexually exploit boys and young men can be very clever and sometimes work in groups.

Someone who grooms can be male, female, black, white, fat, thin, attractive, ugly, gay, straight, shy, confident, old or young. You can't tell that someone is going to groom you from what they look like.

Someone usually grooms you before they sexually exploit you. 

7 Stages of Grooming

1. Targeting
This happens before you even meet the groomer. He or she will look for a boy, or a group of boys and they will do this by looking around places such as schools, parks and other places boys might hang around. They might also go on the internet and look in lots of different chat rooms or lie about who they are by creating a fake profile

EXAMPLE
Steve is 25 and spends a lot of time driving around schools and children's homes chatting to boys and offering them lifts home.

2. Contacting
This is when the groomer will first introduce themselves to you. They could do this by sending you an online friend request or just by chatting to you if they see you out and about. They will show an interest in you and perhaps offer you something. This could be a cigarette, a drink, a lift home or it could simply be a conversation or some support.

They are doing this because they want you to think they are a safe person and someone you might want to have more contact with.

EXAMPLE
Steve is in his car and sees a boy running for the bus. The boy just misses it and Steve drives up to him and says the bus driver is an idiot for not waiting for him. It starts to rain and Steve offers the boy a lift home.

3. Keeping Contact
Now they have made contact with you, the groomer wants to make sure that he or she is going to keep contact with you. They may do this by offering you more of what they now know you like, want or need. This could be support/friendship, either online or in the real world. They may give you a phone and tell you that this is because they care about you and want you to be safe, or they could say that it's no big deal and that they have lots of phones, or maybe they have a mate who works for a phone company. They may also encourage you to exchange Facebook details and online info.

The truth is that they want to control you and have a way of contacting you and knowing where you are. If you have a contract phone or you always have credit on your phone, they might not give you another mobile phone. They are also saying and doing things that will make you think that you want to see or chat to them again.

EXAMPLE
When the boy is in Steve's car he gives him directions to where he lives. Steve asks his name and the boy says he is called Ryan. Steve asks him how old he is and who he lives with. Ryan says he is 14 and that he lives with his Mum. Ryan gets his phone out and Steve says he has a mate who works for a recycled phone company who could get Ryan one of the latest phones for free. Ryan says he's interested and gives Steve his Facebook username.

4. Perceived Positive Behaviour
This is when the groomer and the boy do things together that appear to be ok and safe. The word 'perceived' means that it may look like safe and appropriate behaviour, but the reasons behind it could be dangerous. The groomer may take the boy out bowling, out for a meal and they may go swimming or to the gym. The groomer may compliment the boy on his looks and maturity and do favours for him such as giving him a lift home. The groomer may also buy gifts for the boy such as an iPod, a phone, a pair of trainers or something else.

The reason the groomer is doing all of these things is to give the boy the impression that he or she is a safe person to be around. All of the things the groomer is doing are things that your parents or carers may do for you, and they do these things because you are their child and they love you. It is always worth asking the question why the groomer is doing this? The truth is that the groomer is NOT doing all of these things to be nice, he or she is doing all of these things so they can later turn round to you and say "I've done all of this for you, it's now time for you to do things for me". They may make you think that you now owe them something. The reason the groomer takes the boy swimming or to the gym could be to see him naked in the shower. 

The boy may now see the groomer as an older brother or sister, a mother or father figure, a best friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend.

EXAMPLE
Steve and Ryan start chatting on Facebook and Steve sees from Ryan's profile that he likes bowling. Steve tells Ryan that he used to play bowling when he was younger and says that he hasn't played in years and would love to play a game. Ryan says he is good at bowling but doesn't get to play much as he's always skint. Steve says that they could go bowling this Saturday and that he will pay, and that he could give Ryan the phone that he's got for him.
When they meet up and go bowling, they both have a great time but Steve says he has left the phone at his house. Steve suggests they go to his house, have a drink, pick up the phone and then Steve can drop Ryan back home so he doesn't have to get the bus.

5. Negative Behaviour
This is when the boy and groomer do things that can be dangerous and/or against the law. This can include taking/selling drugs, breaking into properties, stealing, drinking alcohol, going to pubs/clubs, watching porn or having sex. (Anyone aged 16 or over who has sex with someone under 16 is breaking the law). These may be things that some boys already do with people their own age and although it is still illegal, it is safer and much more equal to do these things with someone your own age. The groomer may do favours for you like covering for you if you bunk off school. Again - you and your friends may cover for each other, but why would an adult cover for you?

The groomer is doing all of these things with you because he or she wants things that he or she can blackmail you with, and use against you later on. The groomer is introducing you to more activities associated with sex and the groomer is also doing all of these things so they can say "No one else does all of these things for/with you. I'm the only one you can trust"

EXAMPLE
When Ryan and Steve go back to Steve's house, he gives Ryan the phone and gets him a can of beer. Steve puts some porn on the TV and the pair start laughing and joking. Steve tells Ryan that he is having a party on Saturday and asks Ryan if he wants to come. Steve tells Ryan he can sleep in the spare room and that he won't have to spend any money as there will be lots of booze.

6. Control and Reinforcement
This is when the groomer tries to control and manipulate the boy and he or she may do this by being violent, threatening, using blackmail or being sly and manipulative. The boy may think everything is fine and that he is in control, but this is in fact what the groomer wants him to think. The groomer will also reinforce how the boy's life was horrible before they came along and how it's now great.

The groomer is giving the boy the message that he needs them in his life and that life without them is going to be horrible for the boy. The groomer can do this in a number of different ways such as using threats or emotional blackmail or mind games.

EXAMPLE
Ryan goes to Steve's party and he is the only 14 year old there. Everyone else is in their 20s and 30s. Steve gives Ryan lots of alcohol and introduces Ryan to lots of other men. Steve tells Ryan that he is drinking his booze like a girl and that if he was a proper man he would be able to down it in one. Ryan downs his can of beer in one, thinking that he is calling the shots. Steve tells Ryan he sees him as a little brother and how lucky Ryan is now that they are in each other's lives.

7. Sexual Exploitation
This is when you become involved in illegal sexual activity which can include being involved in naked/sexual images/films, having sex with others for something you need/want, and/or being forced/persuaded into sexual activity where others benefit, e.g. financially. Everything up to this point has been the groomer grooming you.

The groomer can sexually exploit you by forcing you to take part in sexual activity by threatening you and your loved ones. They can use blackmail by threatening to tell people your secrets and other things you don't want them to know. Groomers can persuade you to take part in sexual activities by using justification and emotional blackmail, and making it sound normal.

EXAMPLE
Once Ryan has had a lot to drink, Steve tells him they need to talk about the money Ryan owes him. Ryan says he doesn't owe Steve any money and Steve asks Ryan if he is really so stupid, to think that he bought him stuff and did stuff for him for free. Steve tells Ryan that you don't get something for nothing and that he has to pay him back. After arguing for some time, Steve tells Ryan to watch the porn that they watched the other day and masturbate to it, but let some of the men at the party watch him. Ryan doesn't want to do this, but he has had a lot to drink, and now believes he owes Steve money. He lets the men watch him masturbate to porn and the men pay Steve.